Letting Go When You Don't Want To

June 28, 2016 

Many of you know that our son, Judah, has PFFD, which accounts for his leg length discrepancy.  Explanation of that is for another post at another time.  But for now, I just want to share part of my momma heart on it.
Most of the time, I think nothing of his differences.  It’s just normal life.  People often tell me how amazed they are by him.  Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate those comments, and I am incredibly thankful that he can be an inspiration.  What an amazing gift, and a way he is already impacting the world, before he even means to.  But internally, I am always kind of surprised when people say things like that.  I mean, he totally doesn’t know any different.  He learned to walk.  Just like other kids.  Sure, he learned differently.  Believe me – I get it.  But really, he doesn’t get it.  He just learned to walk.  None of us treat him any differently.  I work with him on teaching him how to go down a slide…just like I worked with my other kids to teach them how to go down a slide without slipping or falling.  I absolutely love that Judah is growing up with this, rather than having gone through a traumatic experience and having his leg taken away that way.

I don’t bring that up to deter people or say that I think their comments are weird.  I bring it up to say that I don’t get super emotional about his leg and situation a lot.  Honestly, you wouldn’t either if you lived with it day to day.  It’s just how things are!  BUT, there are times I do get emotional. Like right now.
I’m writing about this for a few reasons.  One, it helps my heart to spill.  Two, I want you to recognize that when life gets to be a lot and you feel emotional, it’s okay to feel those things.  Let it out, and then hand it over – completely – to our Good Father God.  Three, if there are any other PFFD (or similar) families out there who read this blog, you are not alone.  The online community I have found has helped me, and I hope this post encourages you too.
So, here it goes.  Currently, there is something that is making me feel hot tears well up behind my eyes, just ready to spill out at any moment.  It’s that toe.  Oh, that sweet baby toe.

Excuse the bad photography and old pictures (he is almost 2 now!)  But he’s asleep and I’m not about to wake him for a picture. 

This is my baby’s foot.  He has two toes.  One of these toes has bones, but the other one doesn’t.  It just hangs there.  It does have feeling, it does have blood flow, and I do have to trim that sweet toe nail.  Various people – medical and otherwise – have flippantly suggested we get rid of it.  I shut that down quickly.  I’m not sure why.  But I love that toe.  So much.  Maybe it’s because I feel he has been deprived of so much, that I can’t fathom taking away one more thing.  I kiss that toe.  It is part of my baby.  I feel momma-bear-ish about that toe.  I get that that makes no sense.  I get that the toe doesn’t help him.  But I don’t care.  And I’ve decided that I’m allowed this illogical request, to keep the toe.  The interesting thing was, when we finally got to talk to Judah’s orthopedic specialist about the future, at around 10 months old, he didn’t even ask to get rid of the toe.  He said we would leave everything as-is unless a problem arose.  I know he was talking about joint surgeries and such, but the toe thing was in there too.  Understood.  He’s seen enough momma hearts, and didn’t dare take this away from me.  I couldn’t handle it then.
But a problem has arisen.  No, he hasn’t pulled it off.  No, it isn’t getting caught on things.  You would be surprised how strong that little thing is.  However, last week when I removed his prosthesis and sock, his little tiny toe was swollen and almost purple.  I always pull that little toe out to be even with the other one while he is wearing his leg, but for some reason, this time his toe had been stuck backwards.  His foot and the prosthesis were allowed to put pressure on it this way, and basically cut off some circulation.  It kind of freaked me out, but I decided it was a fluke.  Well, today the same thing happened again.  I’m not sure if the toe was twisted weird, or turned the wrong direction, but it was swollen and almost purple, and Judah was grabbing it and saying, “Ouch” as it started to regain its color – you know that feeling when some part of you was “asleep” and you didn’t realize it until you moved and it started to wake up.  My heart sank.  It’s time to get rid of the toe.
Thankfully, I’ve had time to get used to his reality.  Taking away his toe is not going to be a big deal in the long run.  He will never remember he even had it.  But even typing that makes the tears well up in my eyes.  See, he loves that toe too.  He plays with it, as if for security, when I hold and rock him.  But it’s time to let go of this thing.  This thing that is unnecessary.  This thing that once was security for both of us, but has now become a problem.  The thing that once was harmless, but now sometimes causes harm.  It’s time to let go, and move on, and trust God to take care of my baby and my heart.
This all may sound a little silly to you.  But I think in some way, at some time, we have all been able to relate.  We have all had things in life that seemed harmless – maybe they were even gifts from God, good things.  But then they started causing problems.  Maybe we put too much attention on the gift, and not enough on the Giver.  Maybe we have found our security in the wrong place.  Maybe God is asking us to let go, move on, and trust Him to take care of us, and our hearts.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” – 2 Corinthians 4:18
Much love to you as you search your heart, checking to see if anything needs to be modified.  We’re all in this together.

Salads in a Jar - for only $1 each!

June 30, 2016 

I love salads in a jar.  They take all the prep out of lunch, and they are so yummy and healthy.  I’ve had a few people recently ask me about how to make them and what to put in them, so I thought I would break down our latest at-home salad in a jar “party.”
When I first heard of salads in a jar, I thought I wouldn’t like them.  I have never been much for trying new foods, and I never used to put many toppings on my salads.  I also didn’t think I liked many different dressings, and thought I would get bored quickly if I made several.  I finally agreed to try out a salad in a jar party – where everyone brought their own jars and greens, plus 2 toppings to share.  That way you get a large variety of toppings to choose from, without having to buy it all.  I left with 7 salads.
They.were.awesome.  The first one tasted so good, I couldn’t shovel it in my mouth fast enough!  I sometimes ate more than one a day, and they were gone fast.  My husband snuck a few bites too, and loved them.  I went to another party to fill up, and then decided we should try making them at home ourselves.

Our only concern was cost.  Would it be more expensive to buy everything ourselves, and would items go bad before we could use it all up?  Well, we have now had 3 of our own “salad parties,” and I’m happy to say it has worked out so well!  We like being able to stay at home, completely customize our salads, and even our kids have tried out some new toppings.  Not only will I share with you how to make the salads, but I will also share the cost of making them.  They come out to be about $1.00 each, and we have a great variety!

As for how to make the salads, it’s super easy.  If you don’t already have mason jars, you’ll need to get some.  The wide mouth jars are easier to pack.  I’ve also seen people use recycled mayonnaise jars.  You can get creative here.  To start building your salad, put the dressing in first.  Just put in as much as you use on a normal salad – maybe 2-3 tablespoons.  Then add in toppings that you don’t mind getting wet.  Maybe sweet peppers, onion, carrots.  I like to put my broccoli and tomatoes in here because it mixes those flavors with the dressing, but some people may not like it if those get soaked.  Once you’re done with fruit and veggies, add in any nuts and cheese.  Lettuce comes last, so it doesn’t get wet.  Done!  Easy peasy.

I don’t follow any recipes.  I just throw in whatever sounds good.  You can do a southwest salad with spicy ranch, beans, corn, peppers, onion, and cheddar.  You can do a greek salad with tomato, olives, onion, and feta.  You can have a fruity salad with vinaigrette, or something more traditional with ranch, carrots, and broccoli.  Get creative and try new things!  I thought I didn’t like onion very much, but I put red onion in every single one of my salads now.

We bought almost every item at Aldi.  I love love love Aldi.  It saves me tons of money and time and sanity.  I no longer have to coupon, and my groceries are cheaper than ever.  The quality is great, and I don’t have to go anywhere else to buy food.  We do, however, make an occasional trip to other stores if they have incredible deals – like when Schnucks had a deal on Kraft salad dressing for 98 cents each.  They have it going again this week (June 29-July 5).  All other items were from Aldi.  Here is my detailed price list.  I have put “x” (times) and “/” (divide) after each price to say how much we used during this “party.”  From experience, I know the leftover items will be used before going bad – whether that be in more salads later on, or just to eat throughout the week.
We made 17 salads out of this.  We have lots of toppings left, but this used up all of our lettuce.  (Those marked by * are estimated prices, but I guessed high just to be safe.)
Artisan lettuce $1.99 x2 = $3.98
Iceberg lettuce head $0.69 x1 = $0.69
Blueberries $1.29 /2 = $0.65
Mandarin oranges* $1.49 x1 = $1.49
Strawberries $1.49 x1 = $1.49
Feta $1.79 x1 = $1.79
Red onion $1.89 /4 = $0.47
Black beans $0.59 x1 = $0.59
Baby carrots $0.99 /2 = $0.50
Sweet peppers $1.89 /2 = $0.94
Broccoli $1.69 /2 = $0.85
Corn $0.48 x1 = $0.48
Peas* $0.99 /10 = $0.10
Slivered almonds $2.99 /10 = $0.30
Sunflower seeds $1.99 /10 = $0.20
Tomato $0.99 /3 = $0.33
Cheddar* $1.69 /4 = $0.42
Dressings (6) – Kraft $0.98 (4), Aldi $1.29 (2) – estimating using half = $3.25
TOTAL cost of items used = $18.52
Divided by 17 salads = $1.08 per salad!
I was even surprised by how cheap it was.  You may spend a little more or less, depending on what toppings you choose.  These salads are so good, and can save you so much money.  You can bring them with you on the go!  Take them to work, bring them in your cooler to the ball field, or eat on a picnic.  Eliminate some of your out-to-eat costs with these salads, which are probably healthier (and tastier) than your regular option!

What are some of YOUR favorite salad toppings?

How we paid off $80,000 of debt in 2 1/2 years

July 10, 2016 

I think we can all agree: Debt sucks.  No one wants to be drowning in debt or stressed out about money, but somehow, almost all of us end up there.  Students loans, credit cards, vehicles, mortgages, etc… It’s easy to get into debt, and it is so hard to see the way out once we’re there.  Debt becomes our new normal.  We work more hours, get more jobs, and then buy more stuff.  It’s an awful cycle.  Many people start to think of the price of new items in terms of monthly payments, rather than how much the total item costs.
Just talking about it makes my chest feel heavy.  We all prize freedom, yet where is the freedom in debt?  Proverbs 22:7 says, “the borrower is servant to the lender.”  Some translations use the word “slave.”  Doesn’t it feel that way?  We are slaves to our lenders – and if they don’t get their payments each month, we have even bigger prices to pay as a consequence.
But why are we even talking about this?  Isn’t everyone up to their neck in debt?  Isn’t that just the norm?  What’s the point of getting out?  I mean, all this stuff I’m in debt for is supposed to make me happy, so I’ll just keep buying it.
Now, I am not going to say that everyone should always avoid all debt at all times. I believe that when you weigh the options, some things may actually be worth getting into debt over – like education, or your home.  Different people are in different circumstances and have different desires.  So I’m not going to sit over here on my high horse and pretend like I have the answers for what everyone should do.  It’s totally your money, and it’s not my place to judge what you do with it.  Really.
But for those of you who WANT to get out of debt, know that it IS possible.  And you may be able to become completely debt-free faster than you think.  So I’m going to tell you how we paid off $80,000 of debt in 2 ½ years.  For real!  And it’s not because we have big paying jobs.  My husband is a teacher, and I am a stay-at-home mom.  We are NOT swimming in cash over here.
2 ½ years ago, we built a house.  Our new mortgage ended up being about $133,000.  2 ½ years later, we are down to $53,000.  Here are 9 things that helped us get here:

1. Create a Budget

If you don’t have a budget written out, do it now.  Do.It.Now.  You may think you are doing an OK job of keeping your spending under control without one.  I can almost guarantee you’re not doing as good a job as you think.  Track your spending – EVERY penny – and see how much you need for each category.  Then cut it down (please don’t cut down your tithing, if that is something important to you) and set goals.  Continue keeping track of everything, and adjust as needed.  It may take a few months for you to get a handle on exactly what your numbers need to be, but start the process now.  It is AMAZING how much little things like fast food can add up to.  Take your lunch to work and save $150/month.
There are a ton of free budget templates online.  Here is a simple worksheet I found: Budget Worksheet Form
If you’re a spreadsheet person, like me, you can make your own, or maybe use one of these: 10 Free Household Budget Spreadsheets

2. Make it a Game

Have fun with this!  Challenge yourself!  Saving money and cutting back does not have to be dreadful.  I feel like it’s a fun contest to see if I can beat myself by spending less in certain budget categories each month.  Make goals and visualize your “why” for getting out of debt.  What would you do with all that extra money, if you didn’t have those monthly payments??  Go on vacation?  Retire early?  Give more? Spend more on your hobbies?  If you are a super visual person, you can even create a “vision board”  with pictures of your goals to remind you of why you are tightening up now.  As Dave Ramsey says, “Live like no one else now so later you can live like no one else.”

3. Stop Spending Money on Stuff You Don’t Need

Do you really need cable TV?  No.  It’s really expensive and it rots your brain.  (Okay, to be fair, I am no stranger to binging on Netflix.  But at least it’s WAY cheaper!)  Get a cheaper cell phone and plan.  We use Cricket Wireless.  We have awesome service, decent smart phones, and pretty cheap plans – with no contracts or extra fees.  If you have cell phones, ditch the landline.  Do you have magazine subscriptions you don’t read?  Waste of money.  Don’t eat out so much.  We maybe go out once a month, including fast food.  If we go out more, it’s because we somehow got it free.  It’s healthier to eat at home, it’s way cheaper, and facilitates family time better.  When you do go out, use a coupon!

4. Spend Less Money on Stuff You Do Need

When was the last time you shopped around for car/home insurance?  Or internet service?  Sometimes you can save a lot by switching, and it’s so worth the time on the phone to find out.  Buy less clothing, and when you do need it, buy used.  Resale shops can have awesome stuff for WAY cheaper than retail.  Even when you combine sales and coupons, new clothes are usually way too expensive for my taste.  This goes for adult and kids clothes, including shoes and accessories.  Most people have way too many clothes in their closets anyway, so just stop buying stuff (even cheap stuff) unless you need it.

5. Sell Your Stuff

Go through your house and get rid of stuff.  Be brutal.  Believe me, you won’t miss it, and you’ll love having the extra cash.  Do your kids really need THAT many pairs of shoes, when they refuse to wear anything but their favorite pair anyway?  Do YOU need that many pairs of shoes?  No.  Declutter every room from top to bottom and you’ll have a cleaner house and more money.  Win, win!

6. Search for Deals

My husband is awesome at this.  Just yesterday, he came in and asked, “Do you want pizza for dinner?  It’s free.”  Combining coupons and his awesome deal-finding skills, we fed our family of 5 with carryout pizza for 58 cents, and had leftovers, and I didn’t have to cook or clean.  *swoon*  He speaks my love language.  His favorite go-to site for finding deals is Slick Deals.  He also checks out all the grocery ads and we stock up on sales – like meat, cheese, and blueberries – all which you can freeze for later.  I don’t coupon a lot because I think it turns out being a waste of time and money a lot.  But I do use coupons for diapers.  I use Amazon Prime to get deals on toiletries and vitamins.  We almost exclusively go to Aldi for our groceries, because it is cheap and quick and awesome.  I am in love with Aldi.  We participate in kid’s clubs and birthday clubs at local libraries, restaurants, bookstores, etc.  These can get you coupons for lots of different free activities and foods.  Searching for deals can take extra time, but it can save you lots of money, and give you the ability to do things free, like eating out, that you may be cutting out of your budget.

7. Do Free Stuff

You can still have fun and experience lots of things without spending lots of money.  Go to community playgrounds.  There are lots of free places to hike and picnic too.  Places like Home Depot and Lowe’s have free workshops for kids and adults.  Museums have free days.  Libraries have tons of free programs for all ages.  Go for a walk or a bike ride around your city, neighborhood, or riverfront.  Some communities have free splash parks, or pools for summertime fun.  Communities and businesses offer free events all the time, so just get out there and search for them.  You’ll gain new experiences and have lots of fun – for no money at all!  Remember to pack your own lunches and snacks! 

8. Get a Side Hustle

There are always side jobs you can take on to make extra cash.  Your time is valuable, so you don’t want to take on ALL the jobs, but it can be super helpful to earn even $20 a week extra.  Tutor.  Clean a house.  Mow a lawn.  Babysit.  During the time we have paid down so much debt, I started growing a direct sales business, which helped a lot.  Just make sure you don’t waste your hard earned money; instead…

9. Take Your Newfound Loads of Cash and PAY DOWN THAT DEBT

It is SO much fun to see the principle balance on your loans decrease.  It’s like a party every month.  Many wise financial advisors say to work hard to pay off your lowest debt first.  Then take all you were paying on that loan (the payment amount + whatever extra you were paying) and put that as extra on the next lowest until it’s paid off.  Then take all that money and put it on the next, and so on.  Your debt will fall off faster this way, kind of like a snowball!
Then CELEBRATE because you are DEBT-FREE!!!!!!  You CAN do this!!!!

What are some of YOUR favorite money-saving tips?

Homeschooling: Kindergarten Math

July 19, 2016

Today was a big math day for us.  I love math days.  Math is awesome.  I want my kids to love math too, so I try to make it fun.  When I am choosing a curriculum, unit, worksheet, or activity, regardless of the subject matter, I try to make sure it’s going to be fun.  Sometimes, when I pick up a curriculum book or see a worksheet online, I feel like I would be bored to tears if I had to do it.  I’m not going to torture myself by trying to make my kids drudge through something boring and monotonous.
We did a lot of math today, and NONE of it felt boring or monotonous.  We even did two worksheets.  Some of you need to change your attitude about math – at least around your kids.  If you show interest and enjoyment in what your kiddo is learning, chances are they will show interest and enjoyment as well.  This is going to vary some, especially as kids get older, but I definitely see that my kids take their attitude cues from me.  On the other side, if you talk about how much you hate something, your kids are generally going to hate it too.  If you tell them math is boring and hard and terrible, they will believe you.  So stop it!  Learning about numbers is FUN.  We are skip counting, adding, learning about money, and even solving story problems.  STOP right there with those mental eye rolls – story problems are awesome!  “Jan needs 10 dollars.  She has 5 dollars.  How many more dollars does Jan need?”  The answer is not that Jan needs to get a credit card.  Maybe this is why so many people are bad with money.  Somebody needed to tell them in Kindergarten that math and numbers and story problems are awesome.  I’m not here to have an argument about algebra or calculus with you (although, I love them too).  But I do wish more parents fostered a love for numbers in their small children, rather than training them, by example, that math is just a dumb chore.
I get that some of you just don’t love math.  For me, it’s history.  I never enjoyed history in school.  But rather than avoid it and have a bad attitude, I’m so excited to learn alongside my kids.  I’m trying even harder in this subject area to make it come alive, because the traditional way of doing things just did NOT work for me.  This is one of the BEST things about homeschooling!  I can change it up and do what works best for US!
Math is probably the subject we change things up in the most.  I love that I am able to see my daughter’s strengths and weaknesses so quickly and change the plans as needed.  We can advance in certain areas beyond her “grade level,” and go back in other areas to pick up something she has missed.  Today’s math lessons are a great example of this, so I wanted to share with you an example of what we use and how we adjust.

Our main math curriculum is called Math U See.  I started her in the Alpha level in the spring, and after a few lessons, realized we needed to go back and start with Primer instead.  We skipped at least 10 lessons and then got going.  It is BEAUTIFUL to be able to tailor your child’s schooling to what THEY need.  I did my research before picking our math curriculum, and I hated the more traditional school books.  I am very impressed by the simplicity and reasoning behind Math U See, and I believe it is challenging, yet still fun and flexible.  It comes with a teaching DVD so that another teacher is teaching your kids the lesson, which takes a lot of pressure off as well.  Sometimes your kids (and you) just need someone else to explain it.  As of now, we have covered (and enjoyed) subjects such as place value, skip counting, certain addition facts, and solving for an unknown.  (Excuse me while my heart skips a beat…solving for an unknown in Kindergarten…I love it!)
This week, we have added in some other math items to supplement, though.  Through going over our daily calendar time (this particular day it was in the car), I realized Tenley was struggling with the teen numbers.  She will often transpose the numbers (calling 13, 31).  To be fair, that set of numbers is weird.  We should pronounce them “ten-three, ten-four, etc,” but we don’t.  Since she’s not retaining it with me just explaining it (over, and over, and over….), enter Pinterest.  I found these awesome number reinforcement worksheets, and since she can read, they are perfect.  Plus, we’re getting in some handwriting at the same time, which she can be hesitant to do.  Sneaky learning is the best.  I printed off 11-19 and we will do one each school day.
I also found some awesome resources for learning about money.  We have talked about this a little bit on our own, and she knows what money is.  She knows that you earn money by working for it, and we have taught her to break up her money into 3 categories: save, give, and spend.  But it is obvious she doesn’t understand the values of each piece clearly.  I understand this will be a process, but we are starting now!
While she was working on the money puzzles, she grabbed her Money Mini Book as a reference.  (Great way to problem solve, girly!  Use the resources around you!)  I also printed, laminated, and cut out these money clip cards, for her to use with clothespins.  Pinterest can be so helpful, and I am SO thankful for these fellow homeschooling mamas who have made these resources available FREE!

As you can see, we are kind of all over the board here.  We have gone backwards to pick up some skills she maybe “should have” known already.  We have moved forward into some advanced skills.  And we have grabbed some practical items to learn about on the fly as well.  I absolutely love having the ability to control what she is learning, depending on what she needs.  I also love having the ability to go with the flow and not plan so much.  We have a loose plan, but we are able to be flexible, and adjust based on needs and desires.  I still have a lot to learn, but I am so thankful God has us on this journey for this season.  It has already been more of a blessing than I ever had imagined.

How did YOU feel about math in school?

Judah's Story: Our Miracle Baby

July 23, 2016

Judah Stephen Helm was born on July 14^th, 2014, at 11:38pm.  He weighed 8 lbs 3.5 oz and was 20” long.  (Let’s just be perfectly honest here and admit that I had to look all of that up in his baby book that I barely even recognized because I haven’t added to it in so long.  He’s only 2.  But, he’s the 3^rd baby.  My brain has to hold other information now.  However, I DO remember the date all by myself.  Win!)
This baby was, and still is, an amazing picture of perfection.  I have never felt so much love flood over me so quickly, as in the moment Judah was born.  I have never felt such peace, honor, and responsibility to protect.  Might I remind you, this was baby number 3.  But I had struggled with mild postpartum depression previously, and a general gradual movement into the hard core momma love thing.  This, though…this was a miracle.  Everything surrounding this little guy’s grand entrance was a miracle.  So let me start over.
In the fall of 2013, I found out I was pregnant.  Yay!  This was planned, and we were excited.  Around 7 weeks, I experienced some bleeding, but it went away.  I googled it to death, and asked a few girls, but decided it was nothing.   One week later, on a Sunday morning, I woke up to bright red blood.  I went into survival mode and quickly and silently got ready, quietly woke my sleeping husband to tell him I was going to the emergency room, and left.  He stayed home with our older kids.  The emergency room visit seemed to take forever, but I wouldn’t allow my mind to think about what was happening.  I knew that once I let go, I wouldn’t be able to gather myself easily, and I didn’t want to be like that there…alone.  After an ultrasound, hormone level testing, and exams, the doctor told me it was an “inevitable miscarriage.”
Once home, I collapsed in the open bedroom doorway, clinging to my son and sobbing.  I couldn’t say anything – I just couldn’t talk – but my husband knew.  That night, I couldn’t sleep.  I went to my kids’ playroom for comfort and just cried and prayed.  I was so thankful for the two children I already had, and couldn’t imagine going through this pain without having them.  So I prayed for other mommas-at-heart.  And I begged God to save my baby’s life.  But I praised him no matter what the outcome.  He is good.  All the time.
The doctors said that bedrest wouldn’t make a difference, but I decided otherwise.  Less moving meant less bleeding, so I put myself on strict bedrest until the appointment with my OB.  Once there, he put me on an oral supplement of progesterone, and the bleeding stopped almost immediately.  I literally believe we were probably hours or minutes away from loosing our baby.  But the progesterone turned things around, and God saved Judah’s life.  The rest of the pregnancy was completely normal and routine.  All tests and ultrasounds came back normal – a healthy baby boy was on the way!

I had a birth plan in place, as I had with the other two.  My first two births were completely drug-free and I went into labor on my own, 1-2 weeks before my due dates.  I assumed this birth would be similar, but at 41 weeks and 1 day, I was a crazy pregnant lady.  I was SO done.  My sister-in-law, who I’m pretty sure had a due date AFTER mine, had birthed a sweet baby girl 11 days EARLIER.  I had even gone into the hospital that same day in false labor, probably just with sympathy pain.  I had been sitting at 3cm dilated for…oh, I don’t know…FOREVER.  I was done being patient.  I went in for an ultrasound appointment to check up on baby – something routine for mommas who are past their due date.  The appointment was ON the labor and delivery floor.  What a tease.  Last minute, I decided to cancel the appointment and ask my doctor to break my water instead.  This was so not me.  I was going to wait, and I knew that breaking my water would make the strong pain come earlier than normal.  But I was a crazy pregnant lady…and God was writing Judah’s birth story.  Looking back, I am SO thankful we did not have that ultrasound.
At 6cm, I asked for an epidural.  My doctor was totally confused by me at this point.  I mean, nurses make it pretty clear that they don’t expect you to follow your birth plan the first time around (which, I DID, thank you very much), but by baby 3, they figure you know what you’re getting yourself into.  But you don’t argue too much with a crazy pregnant lady, so I got the epidural (OUCH…not the shot…the stinking contractions while sitting in that position).  It.was.AWESOME.  Relief!  Laughter!  Ahhhhh…. I was ready to push in almost no time at all.  My doctor nearly missed it, but he showed up, and I pushed, and Judah was out!  FINALLY!!!

They put him on my chest, covered him with a blanket “to keep him from being cold,” and we nursed.  (Can I just say the epidural was worth it, if only to not have to feel them pushing on my belly after baby was out!!!!)  I played with his left foot and counted his toes.  I literally remember thinking, “Everybody says they count their baby’s toes, so okay…1,2, 3, 4, 5…this is dumb.  Of course he has 10 fingers and 10 toes.”  And I stopped counting.  My doula told me later that she saw me do that and her heart sank.
See, what I didn’t realize is that he didn’t have 10 toes.  My baby was born with one normal leg, foot, and toes, and one short leg with a tiny foot and 2 toes.  My doctor, nurses, and doula saw it right when he was born, but I didn’t.  I had even leaned up, touched his head, and basically watched myself push him out, and hadn’t noticed what was wrong.  My husband was video taping, and didn’t see it either!  My doctor later told me that immediately when he saw Judah’s leg, he started praying.  “God, give me wisdom.  God, give me the words to say.  Lord, help.”  He knew we needed to nurse and bond.  So he gave that he-might-get-cold excuse to have nurses keep him well-covered.  We nursed on both sides, as my doula took cues and strategically helped the blanket placement as well.  I did not even realize something was wrong until nurses had taken him to weigh and measure across the room, and my doctor asked me if I had seen Judah’s leg.

In that moment, God held me.  He held my heart.  He held my emotions.  He held my reactions.  He held my mind.  I had peace that passed ALL understanding.  People were waiting for me to loose it.  And I just wasn’t.  God gave me strength, courage, and love that were all His.  I immediately said that this was our baby boy, and God had entrusted him to us, and that I was so thankful and humbled to see what God had in store for him.  I would not have been able to focus during this time if I had been battling with physical pain.  Praise the Lord for knowing I needed that epidural – for the aftermath.
God put the exact people in that room that needed to be there.  He led them.  And they carried me.  My doula (who is a good friend) and I lovingly joke that my doctor is our Birth Pastor.  He has prayed with my husband and I through this journey.  We can rejoice in the Lord together in complete trust in Him, even when we don’t understand.
God also designed my labor and delivery music playlist.  I chose some Christian songs to help me through the time, and listened to them a lot leading up to that moment.  The lyrics and truths in those songs were so relevant to that situation, it still gives me chills.

Throughout my pregnancy, God was obviously strengthening my faith, a “gift” which I had never felt super strong in before.  He really and truly prepared me for this moment, and I didn’t even realize it.  Until that moment came.  And I am overwhelmed with awe and wonder of our loving Father God.
We eventually learned that Judah has PFFD, or Proximal Focal Femoral Deficiency.  We have been told by doctors, specialists, geneticists, and google that we will never know the reason why he has this.  It is pretty rare, and the causes are unknown.  The medical world does have a few “best guesses,” however, and I have my guess as well.  See, I’ve learned that limbs begin to form in utero around week 7.  (First of all, how amazing is that?!)  Week 7 is when I started having bleeding.  Something happened.  My body was letting go.  But God answered my prayer and saved his life.  My miracle baby.  Leg, shmleg.  He’s alive.  And for that, I am forever thankful.

 

God has big plans for this little guy.  And I am so grateful that I get to be his momma, and that I get to be along for the ride.

Hayden On the Move; No More Paci

Just wanted to post a little update on how Hayden's physical therapy is going.  We love his therapist, Melissa.  She comes once a week for an hour and is very helpful in giving me tips on how to work with Hayden to encourage his gross motor skills throughout the week.  At the beginning of all of this (a little over a month ago), Hayden wasn't rolling over, HATED being on his belly, and couldn't get from-here-to-there on his own in any way.  He is now rolling over all the time and uses it as a way to get himself across a room.  Plus, he is now a belly sleeper!  I love that because it helps him sleep-in some mornings.  He doesn't have a problem being on his belly at all anymore.  When he is sitting on a hard surface, he can now scoot himself on his bottom anywhere he'd like to go.  It's so nice to have him more mobile!  Yeah, he can get into more things, but he is learning to obey and is MUCH more content to play on his own and explore.  It is so great.  Below is a video taken a little over a week ago when he had just gotten the hang of scooting.  Our next thing to tackle is getting him to be able to get to a sitting position from laying down.  His muscles are getting stronger and stronger, we can tell each week.  It's just a matter of time before this little guy will be running around destroying everything...Oh My!  Hayden, maybe you can hold off on the whole walking/running thing until the house sells.  :)

Another update on both Tenley and Hayden: they are both now paci-free!  I started noticing that Tenley's 2 top front teeth were beginning to buck out a little bit - not bad, but I could tell.  I don't believe she's doing any damage to her adult teeth, but I also don't want her baby teeth sticking out.  She only used her paci during naps and nighttime, but she sleeps at least 12 hours each night and takes a 3 hour nap, so she really does have it A LOT!  I did not warn her.  I just noticed her teeth one morning, then at nap time I told her that her paci was hurting her teeth, so she couldn't have it anymore.  She asks for it still, but when I give her the reason, she doesn't fuss at all.  Yes, she is my easy kid, haha.  Now for Hayden, I can already tell he is much more...stubborn...than Tenley.  After reading recently the struggle my friend, Cassie, went through taking her son's paci away at age 3, I decided to nip this thing in the bud and take it away now, at 14 months!  He didn't care a whole lot for the thing anyway, but did use it to fall asleep and then spit it out.  I wanted to avoid any greater attachment that we'd have to break, and he has done just fine with it.  YAY!

1 year old! (a month late)

Hayden Titus Helm is ONE!  Hayden turned one on December 28, 2012.  We celebrated with my side of the family on Christmas.  That was a lot of fun.  Tenley learned the Happy Birthday song and sang it to Hayden and Jesus all month long.  "Happy to you...Happy to you...Happy to you, Hayden!"  I guess "Birthday" was just too hard to even attempt.  We will probably not always combine Hayden's birthday and Christmas, but for now, he had no clue.  It also helped that Tenley was getting presents at the same time, so she wasn't jealous.  Not so for party #2...

We celebrated with the Helm side of the family on January 13.  I wanted to remove the party enough from Christmas to keep it separate, but still sort of close to his birthday.  Tenley loved being able to sing "Happy to you, Hayden" again, but threw in a lot of "Happy to you, Jesus" phrases too.  That's okay!  She'll figure it out.  Tenley is still trying to cope with the fact that some toys are Hayden's and not all of them are hers.  Yes, they share everything, but after Hayden's birthday parties, we moved some toys into his room.  Before, they were all in hers.  She is okay with it for the most part, and brings him toys that are "his."  She has also started to read him books - especially ones that are "his."  It's really cute.

He loved his no-sugar banana cake.  :)

As Hayden's first birthday was approaching, I went back and forth every day as to whether or not I should call First Steps about his gross motor development.  I hate comparing kiddos because they all have their own individual timelines, but I also don't want to ignore something that could potentially be a problem.  At 12 months, Hayden was sitting up well, but not rolling over consistently.  He could not get himself into a sitting position if he fell, and he HATED tummy time.  Like, the second he was placed on this tummy, automatic tears, screaming, red splotchy face, MAD.  So, he wasn't crawling or even attempting, not pulling up on things, not cruising or walking.  It actually took him a really long time to even bear weight on his legs.  That was something we had to intentionally work with him on every day when we realized he wasn't getting it on his own.

So, I called First Steps around his 1st birthday.  They evaluated him and are setting him up with a physical therapist who will meet with us once a week for an hour.  As far as we can tell, he has no real physical problems.  He's just very content with sitting.  Some kids just move from milestone to milestone in gross motor skills without much help, but with Hayden, he just needs intentional, consistent help.  I'm okay with that!  He is so happy and so laid back, but we've decided it's time to push this guy a little bit in order to help him explore his own world around him.  He may not like it at times, but that's okay.  We haven't met with the physical therapist yet, but we are already doing 2-3 mini sessions of our own at home every day.  I feel a little silly even having someone come in to help, but I am open to seeing what they can show us.

As for everything else, Hayden's doing super.  He is sleeping 12 hours at night...wahoo!!!  This is a new development!  I think more solid foods has helped!  He naps once a day for 3 hours, or sometimes two shorter naps.  At his 1 year appointment, he was 28 3/4" long and 19lbs 13oz.  To me, that's a little tiny guy.  At 12 months, Tenley was 30" and 22.4lbs.  Same head size, though.  He'll grow into it.  Haha.
We started consistent solid foods around 11 months, and he is still eating purees, with a few exceptions.  He is nursing 4 times a day.
He says "Hi!" and waves, and sometimes I could swear I hear him say "Hayden."  He plays Peekaboo and PatACake, and is drooling like CRAZY, even though he still just has 4 teeth.

1st time sledding...he was not impressed.  TOO COLD!!!

1st snow of the season - playing at home

This picture is sideways - I couldn't figure out how to turn it.